As parents, we all face a constant level of stress as our kids grow up; getting them through their driver’s ed, sitting in the passenger seat as they learn to drive well enough to barely pass the license exam, making sure they actually pass in all the last work needed to graduate from high school, working through the FAFSA and college applications…it never seems to end.

But there’s one event that is potentially more deadly than any other; the coming-of-age 21st birthday. The statistics are staggering; not only do roughly 80% of celebrants drink, but the amounts are extraordinary. The mean number of drinks consumed is almost thirteen; even more frightening is that 34% of men and 24% of women drank twenty-one or MORE drinks.

Obviously, peer pressure is a significant part of this behavior; for instance, being a member of a college fraternity significantly increases the chance of dangerous behaviors (no surprise there . . ). The idea of celebrating the event with an equal number of drinks is so pervasive that a well-intentioned adult posted “Happy Birthday Matt!! Drink 21 beers for me. 🙂 ” on our son’s Facebook page, without thinking that even the joke makes the behavior more “normal.”

As my step-son Matt approached this milestone, my wife Susan and I were painfully aware of the risks; the question was, how best to minimize them? It’s hard to keep kids from heading to the bars with their friends…the date is a major rite of passage, and of course they want to have fun, and to enjoy something that has been out of reach (at least legally) until now. We’ve known parents who held parties at home, but then had the party move to the bars, so weren’t sure that was the best way to handle it.

And then inspiration struck; take the family to a ski condo! Controlled environment, fun things to do during the day, get them so tired they don’t even WANT to stay out late and drink.

But which mountain would be the best? Some resorts have layouts that encourage jumping in the car and travelling from bar to bar (Killington, with all the famous bars on the access road, being perhaps the most obvious example); that certainly wouldn’t be helpful. After a lot of thought, we settled on Saddleback Mountain.

On the mountain itself, the number of bar choices totals…umm…1. Yup, the Swig’N Smelt at the base lodge is the ONLY option. There isn’t even a convenience/grocery store that sells beer; the strongest stimulant is Mountain Dew in the food court. That means no “have a few expensive drinks at the bar and then buy a 30 pack of cheap swill.” It also means that, while The Parental Units won’t exactly be watching over his shoulder, they won’t be far away; not that there’s any guarantee that a birthday boy will care about that, but it’s just one more factor that MIGHT lead to responsible choices. It also helps that the Smelt isn’t exactly a wild party bar…all ages are welcome, and the apres-ski scene has a distinctly family-oriented atmosphere. And, it isn’t open late; typically, they’ll shut down by 9 o’clock. Even if the kids want to hang out and drink, there’s a limit to how much they can pound down between closing time of the slopes and closing time of the bar.

The Saddleback Mountain location also means that there simply isn’t anyplace TO drive to; there aren’t any bars on the access road. In fact, the nearest bar is down in Rangeley, 8 miles and almost half an hour away. Each direction. On twisty, often snowy roads. And, once there, it’s not exactly like barhopping in Times Square…”sedate” is probably the right word for Rangeley, even on Saturday nights. Not a very appealing prospect, even to an eager  21-year-old.

Finally, there’s the mountain itself. Saddleback’s trails aren’t Grandma’s rocking chair; they’re steep, often tight, twisty, and fun. Take a snowboarding 21 year old, let him take “easy” trails like Blue Devil wide open a few times, and he’ll suddenly start to slow down a bit. Run him down Tight Line and Supervisor, suggest that it would be fun to do them again, and you can be pretty certain that he won’t be interested in finding ANY bar that’s open until 2 a.m.

At least, that was our hope…and Machiavellian parents that we are, we didn’t speak our mind past “Hey, how would you like it if we took you and your best friend up to Saddleback for your birthday weekend?” The idea took hold immediately; the images of great boarding, free food, the magic words “ski condo”, and us offering to pay for the whole shebang, including the beer, clearly danced in his head like the proverbial sugarplums. Alex, his best friend, was on board (pun intended), so we made reservations and headed up.

Magic from the start…the condo was ski in/ski out. (For anyone thinking about using this idea, we’d HIGHLY encourage making sure the condo is slopeside.) The car keys went away into a drawer, out of sight and out of mind.

Midwinter ski conditions didn’t hurt our plan in the least; impeccably groomed, rippingly fast trails meant more leg burn, more exhausted 21 year olds. Kids may be fast, but us old-timers have the stamina, and we were able to wear them out (microseconds) before we turned to jelly ourselves. By 3, we were back at the condo, Matt with first legal beer in hand, looking proud, cocky, and, though he probably didn’t realize it, safe. Better still, he also looked HUNGRY. All of the boarding made him and Alex ready to pile into as much food as we could find.

Machiavellian move #2: “Well, how about we head down to the Smelt, get some appetizers, beer, have dinner, then come back here for cake and a movie?” Put food, beer, and cake into the same sentence, and they’d agree to donate their left arms to science (they’re both right handed, so need to keep those to work a fork and tilt a beer). By 4, off we headed…

There’s another advantage to having only one bar; as the lifts shut down, it’s going to be BUSY. It took us a while to get a table, by which time the boys were even more ravenous. We ordered appetizers and drinks at the same time; the drinks came first, but they were more interested in the food. Lesson learned…get them really hungry, so food is more important than alcohol! The food arrived (and was excellent; the Smelt has suprisingly interesting food choices, including without a doubt the BEST sweet potato fries ever). We all piled in, and with the crazy crowd, the second round of drinks didn’t arrive until we were mostly done with the food. That meant plenty of time for Matt to sit back, listen to the music, and savor his beer, rather than sucking it down and ordering another. Saddleback’s commitment to locally produced goods (all natural local beef, for instance) carries through to the booze, too; local beers on tap included Tuckerman Headwall Alt,  which is so rich, it’s virtually impossible to guzzle. (And the 4.75% alcohol content is actually below many typical American beers—Budweiser is 5%).

After a couple of hours, appetizers, dinner, and a couple of rounds, the boys were so full that drinking another beer didn’t sound appealing; slow is definitely good! So, we suggested heading back to the condo for the movie. High-end entertainment, definitely; Matt chose “Airplane.” Apparently, dumb jokes are cross-generational, as it’s one of our favorites, too. He still had one beer in the refrigerator, and opened it…but the large dinner still was controlling his intake, and he very slowly sipped it through the first half of the movie. By cake time, milk was sounding good to him (particularly since he was out of beer), and by the end of the movie, he and Alex were ready to hit the hay and be ready to hit the mountain in the morning.

And in the morning, as bright eyed and bushy tailed as any 21-year-old males are before noon, they were up, eating breakfast, and ready for the slopes. We had another great morning of skiing, lunch at the Swig ‘N Smelt (WITHOUT beer!), and they decided their legs were more ready for the drive home than more time on the mountain. Off we headed, with everybody pleased; parent that Son was both “legal” and safe, boys happy that they’d been able to have great skiing fun AND get food and drinks paid for.

Obviously, there’s no way to know what the future will bring; none of us can watch our adult kids all the time (nor should we). But, we learned that with a little forethought, parents CAN shape that first public drinking experience in a way that’s healthy and safe. Peer pressure is incredibly powerful; virtually all of us have bent or broken under it at one time or another. But now the pressure for Matt is off; not only is it unlikely that anyone would suggest “21 for 21” to him except on his birthday, but also it’s dramatically less likely that he’d agree to it on a different day. Making sure that a good friend was with him was important, too…he didn’t feel isolated or “it’s just my parents”, which would make it more likely that he’d then go off to party with his peers as soon as he re-entered the real world. We’ve certainly made plenty of mistakes as parents, and will continue to, but we’re pretty sure we nailed this one just right.

Depending on the timing of your birthday boy or girl’s 21st, skiing may not be an option. But, there’s always something available. Many ski areas are hopping in the summer. Or  white water rafting, sky diving, mountain biking, kayaking, rock climbing, whatever. Based on our experience, we’d look for the following elements:

1. Remote location with very limited drinking options;

2. Something that’s physically challenging, so that they’re tired enough that a long drive to a bar doesn’t sound appealing;

3. Including peers to a limited extent; make it fun and not just a family thing, but not a frat party, either;

4. Provide acceptable evening entertainment that doesn’t require or particularly encourage significant drinking (watching a movie is better than playing pool in a bar, for instance).

There’s no guarantee that this approach will work; there’s no guarantee that your celebrant won’t go off and do something stupid; but for that matter, there simply aren’t any guarantees of safety in life. But, we’re confident that this approach will give your young adult a chance to get past that dangerous date safely, having fun, and even LIKING the parents; you’ll be seen as trying to do something fun for them, rather than trying to keep them from enjoying themselves. We were certainly lucky; the stars aligned to make it a great experience for all of us. Here’s hoping it does the same for you!